The Challenge
In researching our book, The 80/80 Marriage, we interviewed over one hundred people. Our goal? To understand the unique challenges of modern couples. We learned that:
- Most couples live in a rushed state, constantly pressed for time.
- Most couples prioritize work and kids over time together.
- Not surprisingly, most couples wish they felt more connected, in love, and turned on by their partner.
The Solution
Enter date night. This might just be the most essential habit in marriage. It's the time when we push back against the momentum of life and prioritize time together.
Research shows that its benefits include:
- Enhanced communication
- Increased emotional connection
- Better and more satisfying sex
- Deeper and more lasting trust and commitment
- Decreased stress
The magic of an amazing date night starts long before the actual date begins. Like any amazing event, it starts with the right preparation. Here are some tips gleaned from date night masters:
1
Block out time
Sounds obvious. But it's essential to block out time on your calendars and defend this time from other competing commitments. In fact, we're pretty sure there's a vast conspiracy that includes your kids, your friends, your family, your coworkers, and even Big Tech to prevent you from ever having this time with your partner.
2
Create space
Here's a pro tip from expert Esther Perel. Her big insight: eroticism and desire require space. So leave big windows between when you leave home and the start of the concert or dinner reservation. Don't rush. And if you want to go all the way, set up your date night so that you have an entire evening with no end point.
3
Designate a lead
Decide which of you will take care of planning and date-night logistics. This allows the other partner to experience the night as a surprise and an act of service. And, of course, you can always alternate which of you takes the lead.
4
Build anticipation
The erotic charge and connection that happens on date night also starts well before you leave the house. It builds through spicy texts, emails, and whispers in the ear. It grows through subtle touches, looks, and kisses. If you do it right, the excitement of anticipation can be just as, if not more, exciting than date night itself.
So what exactly are you going to do on date night? We hope to convince you that what you do is less important than how you do it. But still, the question remains: what are you going to do with this precious time together? Here are some ideas to spark your imagination:
- Dinner at a restaurant
- Dinner and a movie
- Concert with a favorite band
- Dinner and a stroll downtown
- Sunday brunch
- Order take out
- Cook a meal together from scratch
- Stroll and do a food truck tour
- The $20 date – leave with just IDs and a $20 bill
- High school-style – do what you would have done at 17
- Live out a sexual fantasy
- Meet at a hotel (pretending you're having an affair)
- Role play meeting for the first time
- Recreate your first date with an erotic twist
- Go to a sex shop together
- Do a date hike (just the two of you)
- Go camping for a night
- Get out on the water together
- Ski together for a day
- Explore your city on foot
- Go out to a fancy restaurant
- Dinner progressive: drinks, apps, dinner, dessert at different spots
- Farm-to-table dining experience
- Hotel night with spa and room service
- Cook a meal together from scratch
- Dance party in your living room
- Learn something new together
- Workout together
- Board game night
There's one final key ingredient for an epic date night: questions designed to ignite your conversations while you are together. You don't need to script out your conversations. But having a few powerful questions to explore will help you get the most out of your time together.
Circle your top 3-5 and try them out:
What are you most excited about at work?
What do you feel happy, sad, scared, or angry about?
What principles are guiding your choices right now?
What change have you made that you aren't sure I noticed?
What do you wish I appreciated you for more?
What are we not talking about?
Does it feel like we're spending the right balance of time on work, kids, and time together?
What do you hope our life will look like in 5, 10, or 20 years?
For Later in the Evening
Talk me through your favorite, most unforgettable, memory of us having sex.
For Later in the Evening
Imagine you could create the most amazing, mind blowing, night of sex. Tell me what it looks like.
