How many times have you had this thought about your partner?
"Maybe we're too different..."
It's a thought that might be attached to hobbies, money, vacations, energy levels, pilates, fantasy football, food preferences, exercise habits, or any number of other things.
We hear this from couples all the time. It's a fear rooted in the idea that your relationship (and life) would be so much better if only your partner were more like you.
But take a step back to notice the assumption hiding underneath that thought:
Your relationship would be so much better if only your partner were more like you.
Is that actually true?
Let's run a little thought experiment.
Imagine you could construct your ideal — Platonic-form — partner to embody this level of similarity.
They look a lot like you.
They act just like you.
Their personality is a lot like yours.
Their taste in music is just like yours.
Their career aspirations are just like yours.
Their hobbies and friends are just like yours.
The way they react under stress is just like you.
Their sense of fashion and style is just like yours.
Their weird neurotic habits are, naturally, just like yours.
Sit with that for a moment...
Had enough?
If you haven't already thrown up in a nearby trash can, we're guessing you're at least feeling some discomfort.
"That's gross," you might be thinking. "Why would I ever want to be with someone just like me?"
Exactly.
This thought experiment reveals something kind of mind-blowing:
Our intuitions about difference in relationships are often flat-out wrong.
Difference isn't bad. It's good.
Without it, you end up in this horrifying hellscape of similarity, married to someone just like you.
So how can you embrace, rather than resist, your differences?
Tools
1. Flip your mindset
Most of us unknowingly live inside the difference-is-bad mindset. It's the pair of glasses that turns your partner's speech, habits, preferences, and quirks into fuel for frustration.
So try on a different pair of glasses: difference is good.
The next time your partner does or says something that doesn't fit your internal WWID (What Would I Do) prescription, ask yourself this:
How does this difference between us make life better, richer, or more interesting?
Let's say you love a predictable, planned-out date night, while your partner loves the chaos of spontaneous fun.
From the difference-is-bad mindset, this looks like a problem. Maybe you're with the wrong person. Maybe you'd be happier with someone less impulsive, more grounded.
But from the difference-is-good mindset, you start to see that this isn't a bug in your relationship. It's a feature.
Your partner's spontaneous streak pulls you out of the ruts of your own habits. It brings excitement, surprise, and play into your life.
In short, it gives you access to experiences you might otherwise never have. It puts you in contact with what Harville Hendrix calls your "lost parts of self."
2. Over-own your weird
When differences arise, here's the conventional move:
Present yourself as good, sane, and completely reasonable.
Present your partner as weird, flawed, and slightly unreasonable.
It's understandable. It makes sense. But it's also kind of boring.
So try something different:
Over-own your weird.
Make your side the unreasonable one.
Push it further.
Exaggerate it a little.
For instance, let's say you're the spender in the relationship and your partner is the saver.
The conventional move:
"Why are you such a cheapskate? I'm just trying to make sure we have a little fun. YOLO."
The version where you over-own your stuff:
"Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you. Left to my own devices, I'd probably spend all our money on some combination of designer clothes, overpriced dinners, and lottery tickets."
This might sound like a crazy move.
But it does something important. It breaks you out of the difference-is-bad mindset.
Even more important, it creates space for your partner to do the same — to loosen their grip on the idea that their side is obviously better, more rational, or more virtuous than yours and that this difference is a problem.