Somehow, just about everyone we’ve ever met is wired with a similar unconscious belief.
It goes something like this:
When it comes to managing money in relationships, the best strategy is to pretend it’s not a thing, never really talk about it, and hope for the best.
We’re not exactly sure why this is the case. Blame it on capitalism. Blame it on intergenerational trauma. Blame it on the patriarchy.
But whatever its cause might be, its effect is almost always self-defeating.
When you avoid money to avoid drama, you get more drama.
When you avoid money to avoid feeling uncomfortable, you feel more uncomfortable.
When you avoid money to avoid the hard work of finances, you end up having to work harder on finances.
What’s one thing you could do today to break the pattern?
Go on a money date.
Here’s how.
1. Block time
Your money date isn’t going to happen by accident. It has to make it onto both of your calendars.
So the first step is to set aside time for a 60- to 90-minute date.
Go to dinner. Go to coffee. Go to breakfast. Hang out on the couch right after your kids go to bed.
It doesn’t really matter what you do. It just matters that you block time in a place where you can talk finances together.
2. Talk through your numbers
When couples argue about money, they’re mostly arguing about vague feelings. You might, for instance, feel like you’re overspending or like your income isn’t keeping up with inflation.
But here’s the problem with money feelings. Without actual numbers, it’s often difficult to know whether they are telling you something important or causing you to overreact.
So the money date begins by talking about your actual numbers. Here’s a good place to begin:
- Total year-to-date income: This is how much money has come in so far this year.
- Total year-to-date spending: This is how much money you’ve spent so far this year. The ideal here is to break this down by category so that you can see how much you’ve spent on things like dinners out, groceries, travel, gas, summer camps, clothes, etc.
- Previous year comparison: This is especially useful during times of inflation. Compare this year’s numbers against last year’s to see where you were spending more and where you were spending less.
If you don’t usually keep track of these, calculate them prior to your date.
3. Check in with your money feelings
Now that you actually have the data, check in with your data-informed money feelings.
As you look at how much you’re saving, spending, and accumulating, ask:
What emotions come up for you?
What’s the story that you are making up about what these numbers mean?
This is your chance to reveal any of the thoughts, emotions, or experiences that come up as you consider your current financial situation.
4. Explore change
Now that you understand the numbers and your reactions to them, it’s worth exploring possible changes to your system.
One of the best ways to do this is to ask the following questions together:
- What are the expenses that can’t be avoided?
- What are the discretionary expenses that have made our lives better?
- What are the ones that haven’t really made a difference?
After answering these questions, consider what changes you might want to make to your financial system.
5. Dream big
Money doesn’t have to be a problem. It can also be an opportunity.
It can be the vehicle for buying your dream house, taking your dream vacation, going to your dream concert, or going out to your dream meal.
So it’s worth asking at the end of your money date:
"What are the money dreams you want to achieve over the next 1 to 5 years?"
These dreams don’t necessarily have to be realistic (yet). If something comes up that feels important to both of you, it’s worth considering what changes you would have to make to achieve this financial goal.
This type of date night may not be exhilarating. It also might not be all that erotic, unless multi-tabbed Excel spreadsheets turn you on.
But talking more intentionally about money might just be the key to opening up more space so you can be more connected in the rest of life.