If you've been reading this newsletter for a while, you know our basic stance:
80/80 = good.
Scorekeeping = bad.
Radical generosity = hot.
But there are some emerging relationship philosophies floating around right now that are worth exploring—even if we disagree with them.
One of the most interesting new players on the scene: relationship anarchy.
What is relationship anarchy?
It's a critique of traditional relationship norms that gained traction following the publication of Swedish writer Andie Nordgren's "The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy."
The core claim is that modern relationships are still built on outdated, patriarchal assumptions.
Here are the two big ones:
1. Hierarchy — the idea that your partner should come before everyone else (friends, family, coworkers, random people from your pickleball league, etc.).
2. The relationship escalator — the script that says every relationship should move along a linear progression: meet, date, define it, commit, move in, marry, and then ride off happily into the sunset.
Relationship anarchists reject both. They argue for a model of relationships that is more improvised and spontaneous — less "marked hiking trail," more "let's zigzag through the woods and see what happens."
What's our take on relationship anarchy?
The Good
This philosophy correctly diagnoses a real problem in modern relationships: the soul-crushing feeling of blah.
If you've been with your partner for more than a few years, you know the pattern:
- Same conversations
- Same date night
- Same intimacy script
- Same "How was your day?" / "Fine" exchange at the end of a long day
Is full-blown anarchy the answer? Probably not.
But this idea of relationship anarchy points to something useful — sometimes we need a little disruption to break out of these stale routines.
- Always going out to Applebee's on Thursday? Pick somewhere weird and new
- Every night ends in parallel phone-scrolling? Put the phones down and ask, "How are you really doing?"
- Sex feeling predictable? Add novelty—truth or dare, fantasy-sharing, toys, role-play, or whatever opens up new possibilities
The basic point here is that a little anarchy can go a long way toward spicing up your relationship.
The Bad
But what about adding a lot of anarchy?
In theory, this idea of a totally spontaneous, unconstrained, relationship sounds thrilling. How great would it be to basically do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want?
In practice, however, adding this much anarchy usually ends up canceling out the gifts of being in a relationship.
Consider hierarchy. Relationship anarchists tell us to dismantle this old-school structure. If you feel like it, why not choose your work, your friends, your family, or binge-watching the Olympics all night over your partner?
The assumption here is clear. Modern couples spend too much time prioritizing each other, not enough time prioritizing the buffet of experiences offered by the rest of life.
But here's where relationship anarchy gets it backwards. Most couples aren't trapped in hierarchy. They're trapped in the opposite. They're already living in the so-called utopia of relationship anarchy.
They prioritize:
- Work over their partner
- Notifications over their partner
- Group chats over their partner
- Everyone else's urgency over their partner
Of course, most people would never admit to being a card-carrying relationship anarchist. You'll never hear, "I've worked hard to create a life where I prioritize my phone and the random requests of people I hardly even know over my partner...Every. Single. Time."
But that's exactly what happens—by accident.
This is the real problem with relationship anarchy. Busy couples don't need more chaos. They've already got plenty. They need the opposite: intentional hierarchy.
- Defending one date night a week like it actually matters? That's the opposite of anarchy.
- Making major decisions as a team rather than letting outside voices run your relationship? That's the opposite of anarchy.
- Building a culture of safety, loyalty, and emotional reliability? That's the opposite of anarchy.
So yes—be a relationship anarchist sometimes. Disrupt stale routines. Break scripts. Surprise each other.
But if you want the gifts of real partnership, the secret ingredient isn't anarchy. It's choosing each other over the rest of life on purpose.