You've probably heard us talk about the essential role of values in a relationship.
With unclear values, life happens by accident. With clear values, it happens with intention and design. That shift—from accident to design—is, in itself, a powerful reason to get clear on your values.
But recently, we stumbled upon an exquisite description of the danger of accidental values in philosopher C. Thi Nguyen's book The Score.
He has a name for what happens when external values start determining our internal aspirations: value capture.
"In value capture," he tells us, "you are outsourcing your values. You're letting an external metric set what's important for you."
What does this look like in real life?
Just a few days ago, we noticed our own slide into value capture.
We had just finished the full draft of our new book, Busy Love. You'll hear much more about it in the coming year (it publishes on Valentine's Day 2027).
With the writing complete, we turned our attention to marketing.
What does the world value when it comes to marketing books?
Two things: sales numbers and platform size.
You're a success if you sell hundreds of thousands of books, a literary god if you sell millions. You're a failure if you don't.
When it comes to your platform, you're a success if you have a million followers on Instagram. You're a failure if you don't.
Those seem to be the rules of the game in modern publishing.
Driven by this infectious value-system, we reluctantly decided to create brand accounts on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube dedicated to marketing the book. We even started building out a studio in our basement.
Then, on a sunny Saturday walk, we asked ourselves: Is this really the game we want to win?
The answer was obvious.
Social media isn't our thing. So nefarious are its effects that we've banned our 14-year-old daughter from joining any of these platforms.
So we asked ourselves:
- Do we want to spend the next few years desperately trying to capture people's attention by churning out three to five 30-second reels a week?
- Is spending hours each day on Instagram and TikTok what we want to model for our teenage daughter?
- Do we want to let the rules of these algorithms — where followers and likes signal status — subtly infect our sense of success and self-worth?
No. That would be value capture at its extreme.
This isn't unique to the literary world. Look closely at almost any human activity and you'll find value capture working in the background.
It can lead you to strive for promotions rather than meaningful work, money rather than purpose, status rather than fulfillment, boosting your step count rather than enjoying your walk.
So it's worth asking:
Where are you experiencing value capture?
And how can you shift from trying to win somebody else's game to trying to win your own?
Tools
1. See the game clearly
Let's say that playing the game of capitalism is stressing you out.
It helps to go one level deeper and get really clear on the scoring system of this game that has captured your values.
In this case, it's relatively simple:
- You score points by making dollars.
- You win by racking up as many points as possible.
- At higher levels, you can convert these points into social merit badges — things like cars, homes, clothes, handbags, and so on.
To identify the scoring system of any of the many life games we play, just ask:
If this were a video game, how would I score points and what would count as a win?
2. Create your own game
At this point, you have two options.
The first is to keep playing this game that's making you miserable.
That decision might not sound glamorous, but it still represents a radical shift. You're now playing this game intentionally rather than by accident. That's a win.
But let's say you want to change the game.
Then the question becomes: What's the game you actually want to play?
If, for instance, the game of approval-seeking is making you miserable, you might decide to create a new game.
In the old game, you scored points by saying "yes" to coworkers, friends, and family members, even when you desperately wanted to say "no."
In the new game, points might come from each "no" or each time you authentically reveal what you actually feel and think.
Of course, the game you most need might have nothing to do with approval seeking.
It might be about how you exercise — focusing on enjoyment rather than calories burned or Zone 2 minutes.
It might be about how you show up at work — focusing on projects that matter most rather than projects that pay the most.
If you're looking for a good model, consider the figure skater Alysa Liu, who just offered a master class in what it looks like to live by the rules of her own game.
While the athletes around her cracked under the pressure of seeking gold, she showed up to the Olympics with a radically different mindset.
"What I like to share about myself is my story, my art and my creative process," she said. "… I think that's beautiful… There's no way to lose."
She skated loose and with joy. Oh, and she also won the first women's figure skating gold in 24 years.
To create your own game like Liu is to experience the opposite of value capture. It's where you invent a new scoring system that comes from the inside rather than the outside—creating a game that's uniquely yours to win.